“What makes you husband material?”
Story time!
Picture this: It’s the last dregs of a house party (not a crazy one, let’s not get carried away). It’s 1:35am, and we have formed a bit of a circle in my sitting room. Some people are on the big blue couch, and some of us are sitting on the wood floor. I know a few of these people pretty well, and I’ve only briefly met others for the first time that evening. The conversation was slowing down, and for some reason, I felt compelled to point to a guy I had met earlier that day (a friend of a friend of my roommate’s) and and ask him:
“Denis, what makes you husband material?”
Understandably, he was slightly shocked by the abrupt and cheeky nature of the question. But that was the beauty of it. Very earnestly, he started listing off qualities that he liked about himself. He said he was an attentive listener, a good friend, someone who cares deeply about his partner’s feelings, and that he goes out of his way to make kind gestures to show his appreciation for others.
He said all of this with his best friend (also male) sitting next to him, and I remember him looking over at this friend a bit nervously, expecting him to laugh; but he didn’t.
Diving into the question
It was at that moment that I recognized the power of my question. We live in a world where we don’t feel comfortable complimenting ourselves, especially not in public. Whenever we feel ourselves engaging in that kind of behavior, we stop ourselves, blush, and apologize. Humility often gets in the way of our own self-appreciation.
When I asked Denis this question, I explicitly gave him permission to be extra nice to himself in public. And not only that, but I placed a relationship at the center of that question. Because I asked him what makes him “husband material,” he got to reflect on his own attitudes and behaviors from the lens of a future partner. The question made him consider what other people love about him, not so much what he loves about himself. This gave him a bit of a “pass,” which resulted in a very raw, honest answer.
What made this question so effective?
Spirits were high ✅
I asked this question at a casual party with friends my age.
Some degree of familiarity ✅
We had all gotten to know each other at least a little bit throughout the course of the night.
Delightful surprise ✅
This question caught everybody in the room off-guard, and they all erupted in laughter.
Permission to get vulnerable in a somewhat joking context ✅
My question allowed my new friend to be vulnerable and share elements of his personality that he’s proud of. These parts of oneself aren’t necessarily the ones that we highlight on a job application or resume, but they’re things that we should take pride in even more so.
Disclaimers and notes:
This question is somewhat provocative.
In the context of a late-night house party with friends, that actually helped lighten the mood and generate an honest answer. In a more professional setting, however, this would likely be inappropriate. For instance, I wouldn’t use this as an icebreaker at a workplace networking event or meeting.
Tone is very important.
I did not ask this question in a flirtatious manner whatsoever; that is actually what made the question so funny. My playful bluntness made it clear that I was posing the question as a bit of a joke, while genuinely still being curious about my friend’s honest answer. That also gave him a way out of the situation if he really didn’t feel like giving a vulnerable answer; he could have simply shrugged it off and given a funny response if he wanted to.
Take into account the relationship.
Denis and I had spoken a couple times throughout the course of the evening, so we did know each other a little bit. I probably would not have asked this question so pointedly to a complete stranger.
People have different personalities.
You need to consider the personalities of both the question-asker and the question-recipient here.
I, as the question-asker, have a very outgoing, bubbly personality. This makes me feel comfortable being louder and a bit brazen in social settings, which is why I felt open to asking this question in the way I did. I recognize that some people would feel uncomfortable inserting themselves in a social situation in this way. Do whatever makes you comfortable.
I knew from talking with Denis earlier in the evening that he was a highly sociable person, who was open to sharing details about his life and his family to me even though we had just met. For that reason, I was relatively certain that putting him on the spot with this question would not upset him. For more introverted folks or people with more social anxiety, being put in that situation could be extremely awkward. So it’s imperative that you know your audience and stay aware of how your questions could make someone feel - especially if it’s in front of others.