“What surprised you the most?”
Story time!
I was with my mother and younger sister on vacation, and we were spending the day wandering around the local town. My sister is an art student, so when we passed by a store selling cameras and photography, we had to stop in. The interior of the store was really impressive: the walls were covered in vibrant prints of mountain landscapes and flowers, and the shelves were lined with vintage cameras.
As my sister pressed her nose to the glass cases to marvel at the cameras, the owner of the shop approached her. With a gruffness that bordered on well-intentioned belligerence, he told her that, if she had any questions for him, she should ask.
I watched her fumble through her mind nervously for something to say. I knew that she had only come into the store to observe, but now she felt like she was being forced to ask him about his line of work, and she was unprepared.
At this point, my mom stepped in and began asking him about the prints in the shop. That’s when we learned that this man loves talking about himself and his career. He was a professional photographer for National Geographic for several decades, and his work took him all around the world. Naturally, my mom then asked, “What’s your favorite country that you’ve been to?”
That was a mistake. The shop owner tensed up and turned his nose up at her, proclaiming that it would be ridiculous to pick just one.
Sensing the discomfort in the room, I swooped in and asked instead, “Which country surprised you the most?”
Immediately, he responded, “Vietnam!”
This got him talking for a solid 5 minutes about being one of the first journalists permitted to enter Vietnam after the war and everything he saw there in the aftermath. He spoke about his admiration for the country’s beauty and for the people.
Diving into the question
At first glance, it seems like my mom’s and my questions were similar; however, there’s a key difference. My mom’s question forced the shop owner to proclaim that one country was “best.” This backs someone into a corner because they inherently feel like their answer should be objective - or that for some reason, the question asker is going to hold them to that answer for all eternity. Plus, an already cranky person was not going to respond to this just to make small talk.
My question instead focused on a feeling. By asking a question about an emotion that a place evoked, it was much easier for him to conjure an honest answer. Additionally, emotions jog old memories, which make great tales. When I asked him what surprised him about Vietnam, he launched into at least 10 minutes of truly fascinating stories.
Suddenly, I was having a conversation with a man who used to be off-puttingly grumpy as if we were old friends. Voilà!
What made this question so effective?
Focus on a feeling ✅
Emotions are really helpful when it comes to jogging powerful memories.
Narrow the scope of a question ✅
What my mother asked was very broad, and all I did was make her question a bit more specific.
Don’t let awkwardness fluster you ✅
We didn’t expect his reaction to the initial question to be so aggressive, so we were a bit taken aback; however, if you have a simple question like this in your back pocket, you can easily redirect the conversation and get it back on track.
Disclaimers and notes:
It’s not bad to ask someone about their “favorites.”
It is completely normal to ask someone what their favorite ______ is. “What’s your favorite color?” and “What’s your favorite food?” are very common questions when you’re getting to know someone. But you are most likely going to get a more interesting response and develop a deeper connection with the person you’re talking to if you evoke some emotion. “What color brings you joy?” and “What food reminds you the most of home?” are guaranteed to spark more meaningful conversations than a simple “favorite” question.