Where were you when _____?

12:23 am: Knee deep in Instagram Reels

This may expose details about what the Instagram algorithm recommends for me, but it was at this time, just before I was going to sleep, that I watched a particular Reel. The video featured an emotional conversation among Full House’s Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber, and Lori Loughlin, on the “How Rude, Tanneritos” podcast. The moment I found to be especially powerful was when Barber asked Loughlin if she remembers where she was when she heard the news of their friend and Full House co-star Bob Saget in 2022. 

Immediately, Loughlin launches into a story about the moment she heard the devastating news. She recalls details about how Sweetin was the one who called her to tell her, and she even recounts the exact words that Sweetin said over the phone. She remembers her reaction, falling to her knees in disbelief. She tells the story with such emotion that anyone could tell that the feelings are still raw. 

Notably, she does not actually share where she was when she heard the news. But honestly, that’s not the point of this question. 

Anchoring a memory in a location

Everyone has some degree of photographic memory. When we think of memories from our childhood home, we can visualize the layout of the kitchen. When we think about our daily commute, we recognize familiar street corners, signs, and buildings.

Physical locations can be used to jog memories of all kinds, which include sensory and emotional elements. We all have memories that we associate with specific places because of the emotions we felt there. This can be a place like the Grand Canyon, which we remember because its sheer scale left you awe-struck. This could also be an otherwise unremarkable place, like a public swing set in Central Park that you fell off of as a child and broke your arm. The emotional cocktail associated with that one would probably be pain, surprise, and/or sadness.

When you ask about a place, you’re rarely asking about that place.

Think about it. The last time a friend was thinking about traveling to a place that you had been to, and they asked you what your thoughts were, your mind most likely jumped to specific key memories from your experience there. Whether it was a magnificent meal that you had in a hole-in-the-wall restaurant or debilitating altitude sickness you got while hiking up a mountain, the memories you associate with that place are rooted in strong feelings. And those are the stories that you share with your friend when you recommend that restaurant or caution them from ascending that mountain too rapidly. 

Flipping this around is a great way to unlock a story.

Framing your question around a place is a highly effective way to unlock emotions without making whomever you’re speaking with feel like they are being too vulnerable. By asking them where they were when something happened, they have several options. If they are truly uncomfortable, they can simply answer with the location. But what happens more often is that, by mentioning the location or even merely thinking about it, they will end up sharing a story.