Questions as rejection therapy
“Rejection is a part of life.” Yeah, but it still f***ing sucks.
There are few things that sting quite like rejection. Whether it’s from a relationship, a job, a school, Berghain… rejection never leaves you feeling good about yourself. You never think, “Oh, I didn’t get into my top-choice school because I am too smart or too accomplished.” Your mind, instead, jumps to the negative thoughts of, “I must not be smart enough or accomplished enough.”
I know quite a bit about this.
Last week, I got some especially hard news from an academic program I applied to: “I’m sorry, we cannot offer you a place in our incoming class.”
In the months prior, I had put everything I had into the application process. Ahead of my interview, I did hours of research, ran through every possible question my interviewer could ask me, even came up with a couple jokes, and - of course - had top-tier questions to ask her at the end. In the interview, I made a couple of bold choices in my responses, in an attempt to stand out among the other qualified applicants.
And despite all that it wasn’t enough.
Affirmations: accelerating the spiral of self-doubt
I was devastated. But fortunately (or unfortunately), I had gotten rejected from other programs previously, so I knew the feeling well. In the past, my strategy for dealing with the self-doubt that crept in was to remind myself of what I liked about myself. However, in my attempts to reassure my mind that I was still a great human and shouldn’t measure my self-worth based on what complete strangers in an admissions office thought of me, I always found holes in each of my affirmations:
“I am intelligent.” Yeah, but not intelligent enough to get into that program.
“I built a company from scratch.” Yeah, but lots of people have done that. And they’ve been a lot more successful at it than I was.
“I have a great sense of humor.” Yeah, but that joke I told in the interview may have fallen flat. I shouldn’t have done that.
Each of these statements and their subsequent rebuttals just made me more and more distraught. As much as I tried to focus on elements of my character and accomplishments that I was proud of, I ended up discrediting myself at every turn. That’s just what happens sometimes when you’re upset. You can’t always help it.
An easy way to avoid the spiral
After this most recent rejection, I decided to take a different approach to dealing with my sadness and disappointment. Instead of jumping into reciting statements of affirmation, I started by asking questions.
The first question was: “What do I respect about myself?”
I started listing off answers to this question in “I am ________” statements and found that, to my surprise, I could come up with more answers than I thought. These statements were, for the most part, the same as the affirmations that I otherwise would have recited to myself; however, by starting with a question, I began with the significance of those affirmations. I couldn’t negate them.
“I am intelligent” I respect that about myself.
““I built a company from scratch.” I respect that about myself.
“I have a great sense of humor.” I respect that about myself.
By starting with the question, “What do I respect about myself?” I anchored each of those thoughts in a feeling of self-respect. Therefore, when my mind tried to rebut them by saying, “But what does it matter? They rejected you,” I had no legitimate reason to spiral into self-doubt. It matters because I respect myself.
Facing rejection and coming out on top.
This is a case where a question almost acts as an answer. The helpful part of this exercise wasn’t reminding myself of all my positive traits, it was reminding myself that I have many reasons to value myself as a person. And in doing that, I knew I possessed the strength to move on to bigger and better things.
“I am resilient.” I respect that about myself.
If this happens to you, too, here are some questions to keep in your back pocket for next time:
What do I respect about myself?
What have I accomplished in my life that I’m proud of?
What do my friends and family love about me?
What makes me a good person?